reviving this tumblr because i suddenly feel so watched and policed in the other account.
남친이 나의 글을 읽고있는 느낌이 든다.
물론 블로그 자체가 어느 누군가 읽기를 바라는 곳이지만, 요즘들어 얼굴책이든, 트위터든 그가 읽고 반응을 하는게 불편하다. 누구 누구가 나의 사진을 좋아하고 댓글을 달았다듣지 내가 어떤 사진을 누구와 찍은걸 올렸다든지, 내가 전화통화 하면서 컴퓨터하고있나고, 거짓말 치고있는거 아니냐고 묻지를 않나…
너무 정신적으로 힘들고 지처, 트위터는 비공개로 다시 바꿨고, 얼굴책은 아예 정지했다.
이 현실이 난 근대 믿겨지지않는다.
내가 왜 한사람 때문에 이런것들을 해야하고, 힘들어하고있는지.
그는 자꾸 사랑이라는 이름을 붙인다.
널 너무 사랑해서
난 인간이고 인간은 여러 감정을 느끼면서 사는데, 자기에 감정을 어떡해했으면 하냐며…
질투가 나는걸 어떡해했으면 하냐며… 나한테 구토한다
진짜 너무 힘들다.
Mocking stars looks down on the frozen face
Laughing lights pity the fate of the broken face
Tales of love and pain lulls the sorry soul
Lifts the troubled girl of the chosen face
For nothing could be done for lasting change
And she stares at the distant star with a stolen face.
My heart aches… in thousand different places
because this was something I had thought about …in the past.
When I felt so alone, and hopeless after graduation. When I blamed myself for not being able to attain higher education.
I wanted to disappear. I thought then maybe, I won’t feel this pain anymore. I won’t feel so useless. so worthless.
I think this is why, when I found my undocumented community, I went all out. I was and still am so passionate about this fight because I get so tired of the “all-star” immigrants narrative. It was that which made me so depressed and hated myself for not being one of those “all-stars”.
We lost another DREAMer. The tug-of-war game between politicians shut another set of dreams and goals to the point where a youth took his own life. How …how heartbreaking his family must feel.
Can you imagine what his mother is going through right now? Came to the country labeled Land of the Free, sacrificed everything she had for something called brighter future, and lost one of her son… her baby.
I send prayers to Joaquin and his family.
We need to unite as one, to reach out to one more DREAMer each day to prevent this from happening. We can’t keep losing youth because of some stupid government official’s laziness. we are not some tools to win votes. We have a face, we breathe just like you, and we dream like no other.
Protect your goals, your dreams, don’t lose hope.
A fellow DREAMer from GA
Ugh what an annoying week…
for some reason, I have been irritable ALL week. and it wasn’t even sharkweek. (ah ha.haha pun totes intended shout out to my breadmaker skye)
and its even more frustrating because I have no one to talk to about all the events that pissed me off. I can’t talk to the activism sphere people because
1) I dont know them enough to trust them with my secrets.
2) they are closer to the people I have been having issue with
and I can’t talk to my friends “friends” (See I cant even talk properly. augghh) because they have no idea who or what I am going through.
hence why I have been rambling/ranting on Tumblr all week this week. Which I have never really done before.
just dramatic and emotional roller-coaster all week
you know when you are super duper tired, to the point where you just become delusional and really hyper/loud?
yeah im at that point. And it’s not even 9 yet.